UTOPIA

If this were a perfect world you’d be at an idyllic setting – a beach perhaps. Drinking 1000 bob cocktails in fancy hour glasses, the orange evening hue of the sun in the distance. Warmth soaking nto your skin. Bespectacled, to protect your sensitive eyes from the sun. A layer of sunscreen shimmering on your barely covered body. Phone on the side – static – since there’s no use to be engrossed in your phone whilst at a beach, you might as well go and sit in a dim lit room. You could have all that if your stars were aligned. Only, you’re crestfallen from the tangent your year has taken.

See, most people had been dealt a curve ball this year but its unequivocal the malignant pitcher in yours was raised right at the devil’s bosom. Sucking straight from the nipples therein, deriving malevolent power from it. They threw it with pristine accuracy. Like they habored raging vendetta and contempt for you. It all started like this; him calling off the wedding a month to the due date since he felt like he didn’t love you as much as he used to. He claimed he felt like he was rushing and his mind was clouded by the euphoria from the thought of settling down.

With each spew of his words. A piece of your world imploded. The pillars first then the whole thing came tumbling down like a pack of Legos. The dust hasn’t even settled yet and here is christmas. Folk expect you to be happy. To celebrate. To put up colossal Christmas trees with eclectic lights on them. To spot grins. But for what really? For a cause long withered by the profanity you had experienced overtime. You did put up the shebang Christmas demanded. Yeah, even donned a smile when you saw acquaintances. An immaculate facade, underneath it was sheer warzone. A collision of turmoil and uncertainty. Of disconcert and despondency.

Another thing is your employment bit the dust. It all happened briskly. The pandemic was afoot and HR sent a message on email. A curt message that declared you redundant. Ten years of unbridled loyalty you had infused into the company were obliterated by 10 words and a lifeless sorry to compound on it. Now you were single sans a stream of income.

Fire is combated with water, so they say. No. Fire is grappled with fire into a fierce inferno. You bought miscellaneous alcoholic drinks en masse and stocked them into your fridge like you would stoke wood into a fireplace. You swigged swiftly from the bottle, chugging it like you had just walked through the desert. This was upwards of 15 beers a day. But then that’s not too much when you’re shackled at home. So occasionally you threw in a whisky in the works to spur things a tad when you needed something more palpable, a jaggernaut to knock you off in no time. And boy it did its job well.

Then came this bird you met on the stairs of your apartment. An eccentric lass with a quirky taste of dressing and distinctive gothic eyes. She had this intrigue to her. She walked swathed in mystery. Suffice to say, she innately pulled you in and not long after you found yourself tasting the wine on her lips in her bedroom. Experimenting on how it feels to be on the other side. She was good. Maybe even better than everyone you had been with. She did things to your soul no on had. For the first time in a long time you felt joy. Things were opening up.

There is an axiom that goes there is always a calm before a storm, right? That was what it was, better yet, that was what she was. A calm to herald the storm. She ghosted as fast as it takes to miss the golden hour of sunset. She cut off ties completely. She didn’t even live in that house. It was a paramour’s pad. She was like a wind passing through, wrecking havoc when it pleased as she had the potency. You felt like everything was eluding you. More so love and its optics.

That’s how you found yourself with a bottle of pills before you. Time ticking waiting to muster the courage to shove it all down your throat and drift into unconsciousness. A world of nothingness. Of no pain or feeling. A utopian world maybe. Only there is no perfect world. Better yet, there is but like Kendrick Lamar said; a perfect world is never perfect, it’s just one brimming with deception.

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