AM I FAT
You could; read cerebral books and blogs on ‘how to understand women’. Ponder for days. Rummage through lexicons in pursuit of the perfect adjective. Make a pilgrimage to the feminine goddess – whoever that is. You could pray on rugged terrains, fast and pray some more. Google to exhaustion. Say things like ‘I don’t fixate on the physical’. You could ‘uuuhm’ your way out of the box you’re in. You could go to Mars, reflect then jet back. Thing is whatever you say might just ignite the tinderbox. I bet you the world (I don’t own the world but you get what I’m saying) the sun will rise from the west prior to you getting the right answer to the dreaded ‘Am I fat?’ question. It’s a daunting task that boasts a trail of casualties in its tracks. A simple yet torrid question.
This is where it goes wrong. This is novel to you, quite unprecedented so you panic. Perspirate heavily then try to pacify the ambience by playing the B – word card. You’ll say something like “No, you’re beautiful.” Okay she is. She could be. Lizzo and many more before her set the precedent. But her beauty was never under trial, who are you to coin your own question. You could garnish explanations for all she cares, it won’t cut it.
“I never asked if I was ugly,” she’ll say.
This is how else it could go wrong; you’ll pause and gaze. It seems guiltless, heck, it is – only to you. Silence shouts tacit second guesses. She needed a prompt answer. If she wanted to wait she could’ve penned an epistle or used an Airtel line, sat pretty and wait. Why are you staring, what are you looking for – extra flesh perhaps? The kennel looms – the dog house with little chance of parole. She may have gained some weight but that was no invite, what do you think it was, a sight-seeing excursion? Many a time, she hasn’t gained an ounce of mass. It’s all good, you say no. It’s as good as nothing, she won’t believe you – in her thoughts you’re trying to shield her from a reality, a fat reality. She’ll claim you’ve never been honest and reopen a case from 6 years ago to discredit you. It negates everything you might have said earlier. She’ll say something like; was the dress I wore the other day nice or were you lying too?
Let’s say she has indeed gained weight. As a dummy you’ll say yes and leave it at that. And Pandora’s box will open. You’re not dumb, so you will say Yes but embed some cushion to it. Something like; ‘Yeah, not really, but it looks good on you.’ The last bit (but it looks good on you) is as good as a tailor’s promise. Nice attempt chap, you just called her fat! Your world will turn on it’s head. How dare you exhibit so much callousness to her. Honesty is neither your kith nor kin, the truth shall not set you free.
She wants an answer, a right one. One that won’t affirm her fears or alleviate her worries. A NO or YES shouldn’t even be considered, it’s up to you. Next time you get wind or suspect such a question, going to Mars might just be the answer. Sorry but there is no answer.